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Differentiating Between Relationships: Toddles & Children

Writer's picture: Brigham EltonBrigham Elton

Updated: Oct 1, 2020

Taking to children early and honestly will help set the stage for more conversations to come.

Very early in life children begin to shape their perception of sex, gender, and relationships. Usually unintentionally parents are teaching these perceptions, or allowing other teachers into the home through media outlets. The learning that happens at this early age builds the foundation for the rest of a child's life. Children are constantly growing and discovering new things. They will naturally discover, experiment with, and explore their own genitalia. Parents reactions to these natural explorations will influence the way a child feels about sex. There is no need to worry, or promote these explorations because a Childs body is not erotic to them at this point in life. Staying calm and poised as parents see children exploring their bodies will allow the child to accept these parts of their body as good, just like the rest of their body. 


It is important in these early stages of life parents use the proper terms to describe genitalia. For example, penis not "wee-wee". When parents use improper terms the message being sent to the child is sex isn't something to talk properly about and they can get the idea that sex is bad, secret, embarrassing, or even shameful. There is a very important bonding stage when a child is two to four years old. The way parents bond with, listen to and physically touch a child creates an emotional bonding foundation. Intimacy is a huge part of life, kids need to feel that closeness. Trying and failing is a huge part of this bonding stage, when parents punish or disapprove of a child trying something new they can create barriers that keep a child from being vulnerable and putting themselves "out there." For the first time in their life children are recognizing the joy and heartache of relationships. They also recognize the joy of pleasing someone, and the pain of disappointing someone.   As a child nears the age of five and six years old, they can differentiate from one relationship to another. They must learn the difference from an intimate relationship and other relationships.


There are three basic types of relationships:


Courteous relationships refers to general kind behavior; saying please and thank you, opening the door for another, and cleaning up after oneself.

Affectionate relationships refer to being affectionate by hugging, touching, and telling someone you love them. At this stage affectionate relationships are primarily found in family relationships. Rarely is the media teaching your child healthy affectionate relationships. You can help your child by fostering these affectionate relationships and modeling them in your family.


Intimate relationships refer to showing specific people a higher level of physical and emotional affection than an affectionate relationship. Intimate relationships are learned from the example set by parents; by the way that one parent treats their spouse. Again modeling is a good teacher here. It is very helpful for children if parents help them verbally discuss the different boundaries in these three relationships and what behaviors are acceptable with what people or relationships. This not only helps them in the future, but it also helps them be safe as while they are young.  A mother once taught her child the difference between these relationships as she played house with her two girls. She taught her girls in a very engaging way what was okay and safe, and what was not. This is an excellent example of a way to establish boundaries at a very young age.  As children continue to grow parents should continue teach them about sexuality. Each child learns and grows at their own pace and so the information given at each age may depend on the maturity and understanding of the child. If parents have been proactive and teaching their children all throughout growing up, having a talk about 'what sex is' for the first time should be more comfortable for everyone. Parents will know what knowledge their children have already since they were the source of that information. Proactive parents will know what is "age appropriate" for their children.


If a parent has not been proactive, it is best to start somewhere. After giving some information parents will know where a child is at based on their reactions or their questions. Use these cues as a guide in the conversation. A child may understand more than parents think they do, even at an early age. When talking with children about sex honesty and accuracy are important. This is a crucial time for open parent-child communication. When children are young they will ask questions, give them plenty of opportunities to ask these questions. When they are older parens might feel like they are talking to a brick wall so enjoy the question when they come and avoid shaming or laughing at their questions as this could discourage them from asking more later on. Sadly parents will probably run into a child using a shocking, vulgar terms about sex. If parents overreact to these terms it could scare a child away from sharing further information.  Many parents find success taking some time to talk to their spouse and cool down and then calmly explain why our bodies and sex deserve respect. It is crucial that parents establish themselves as a reliable, level headed source during these early stages when a child is looking to learn. This will carry on into the pre-teen stage when sex becomes more and more appealing. Start talking about it, even if the conversations aren't perfect, the worst thing parens can do is hide! As parens talk about sex and intimacy often, you and your child will become more open and responsive. In later years this trait will make is significantly easier to have tougher conversations about pornography as parents help their children develop ideas about healthy sex and intimacy.


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