Taking a look as Stages of Use definitions can help you see where your child is at and what your role is in their healing and recovery.
Why do children hide when they have done something wrong? They may recognize they have done something wrong and do not want to be punished. They may be embarrassed. They may feel shame. How would you as a parent deal with a young child that is hiding after doing something wrong? Hopefully your words and actions would be inviting and encouraging. This is not the time for shaming. Shaming pushes people away, and if we want to inspire and encourage change we must be open and willing to help the way they need. Instead of shaming participate in open conversation.
Pornography usage requires secrecy and shame to survive. Seeing, reading, or hearing pornography should never be kept secret and as supporters and parents you should stay away from shaming. This does not mean enable people to use pornography, this does not mean accept that that is just who they are and they can't do anything about it. It does mean that we can be open and encourage them to be open in order for healing to happen. Pornography consumption is often a sign that someone does not feel connected with. Instead of shaming, connect.
"Connect to Protect."
As parents talk with children about pornography it is crucial to understand that pornography carries a lot of shame independent of religion or creed. There is no need to shame a child for participating pornography consumption. If a child has come forward to a parent and told about their use, the child is already taking a very hard step to change. What they need at this time is to be treated with love and support.
As we look at pornography usage it is imperative that we see the difference between exposure, usage, and addiction. Yes one will lead to another, yet diagnosing where your child stands can be very helpful.
STAGES of USE:
Defining Pornography: Pornography is referred to as material specifically designed to arouse sexual feelings in an individual. Pornography usage often leads to masturbation and sexual promiscuity. Pornography Exposure is very difficult to avoid. If exposure is something that is talked about it sets an excellent foundation to manage usage and addiction.
Imagine a father that is open with his son about exposure that has happened to him at work. This would normalize the exposure and set a precedent for talking about it. Pornography Usage is usually motivated by curiosity. At the usage stage pornography has not yet become a coping skill for other issues.
Again parents, especially fathers can set a precedent with their child by being open about their past usage. This allows the child to feel less shame and more courage to know that there are others going through what they are going through. It gives them a place to go to feel understood and get help.
Usage would be a good phase to implement a monitoring of internet usage and not a perfect safe search system. There are filters that will notify you when certain words are searched, these are recommended as a monitoring system.
Pornography Addiction includes a reliance on pornography. Individuals that have quit for the moment and then returned are typically addicted. Addiction has begun when pornography or masturbation has become a coping skill for dealing with emotions. Especially emotions that re-intensified by these behaviors. For example someone can feel rejected in a relationship and end up using pornography and when they are finished feel just as if not more rejected than they did before their use.
At this point parents should be looking for outside help. Just trying to soldier through is not the answer here, pornography has become a comping skill that must be replaced with a new healthy view on sexual intimacy. The key to this and all stages is maintaining open lines of communication about sex. The worst thing that parents can do is hide themselves. You do not want outside influences shaping your child's view of sexuality. Be there and ready for open conversation about sex and pornography. Avoid shaming and connect to protect.
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