Pornography exposure is no longer a question of if, but when. Pornography is now a top three reason for divorce in America. Individuals in the dating world must be talking about pornography. Common questions people have about these conversations are: "why should I talk about pornography?" "When do I talk about pornography in my relationships?" "How do I start talking about pornography with someone?" And "how do I respond when the other person tells me they are viewing or have viewed pornography?"
Why talk about pornography within dating?
Pornography being a top three reason for divorce could be reason enough, yet behind that statistic is real emotion and heart ache. Sex is the strongest way one can connect to another, as humans we are never more vulnerable, yet accepted at the same time. Pornography is a cheap imitation of that connection. As someone chooses pornography over connection to their partner betrayal sets in. Beyond that betrayal, when an individual watches pornography it shapes their view of sex. Then whatever sexual encounters they have are compared to that view. Pornography perverts sex. Pornography perverts the way we see people. These perversions carry into relationships in many ways.
When to talk about pornography:
The effects of pornography carry into relationships very quickly. We need to begin talking about this sooner than most assume. These questions can give you an idea when you should have these conversations.
Are you physically involved with this individual?
Are you exclusively dating this individual?
Have you talked about other significant personal issues?
Do you trust each other enough to be open about personal challenges?
If your answer is yes to one or more of these questions you should consider talking about pornography.
How to talk about Pornography:
Talking about pornography should not be a one time thing, yet it is important to understand where your partner stands with pornography and sex. Questions like the following will help guide your conversation.
How would you define pornography?
What is your pornography history?
Have you sought pornography?
If so, how often would you seek pornography and for how long?
When did you last seek porn?
What have you done to protect yourself from pornography in the future?
You do not want this to feel like an interview, but you do want to know where they have been and how they view this issue. These questions, specifically, "what is your pornography history", will help the conversation to be open and safe. How to Respond: This topic comes with enormous amounts of shame and guilt. Be grateful for the honesty and vulnerability that is shown. You can show care and hope for this individual even if your relationship will not be able to continue. There is a big difference between suppressing and avoiding pornography and developing a healthy view of sex. Next week our blog will talk about what true recovery means. It is important that going into this conversation you have some boundaries set. You care for this person, it will not be easy to be objective. Beyond someones use of pornography is their view of sex. Pornography perverts their view. Pornography is not the only type of media that is influencing our view of sex. In this conversation you should be sharing your view of sexuality, and be looking for their view. Pornography use, even years in the past, changes our expectations for sex and can have very negative effects on a relationship. I cannot stress enough how important it is to have multiple conversations about this topic. This is going to be a huge part of your relationship and needs to be discussed. It is very helpful for me when my wife talks to me about how I am doing with pornography. Asking things like, when was your last exposure, what are you doing to protect yourself, and how do you think about sex. These conversations are so helpful will help keep anyone from falling into addiction and the shame cycle. Again, pornography is a top three factor in most divorces in the United States. Do all you can to protect your future family from this plague.
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