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3 Tips to Talking with Your Teens

Writer's picture: Brigham EltonBrigham Elton

Updated: Sep 30, 2020

How do you as a parent become your teens source of sexual information instead of the media and pornography?


We have now entered the stage when your child suddenly knows more than you about everything! Or at least that's what they think. Becoming your child's source for information on sex at this point is very tough. If you haven't established this relationship you will have to play some catch up and push through some awkward conversations.    One of the wedges between parents and teenagers, occurs when parents verbally or non-verbally say that "sex is bad". There is internal conflict from this message because teenagers emotions and hormones are screaming "Sex is/feels good". Teenagers also get plenty of backing from the media on this point. When teens get validation about "Sex is/feels good" from the media, the media becomes the teens source of sexual information. Parents have a much more realistic idea of what sex is than the media of course so how do we get parents and teens on the same page? How do we get teens asking parents the questions they have about sex instead of searching on google for an answer, or looking to pornography for "up-to-date" sexual information?


Here are 3 tips to becoming your teens source of information about intimacy and sex:


1. Send the message that "sex is good" it just needs to be used as a tool of connection in the right way.


When a parent is constantly telling their teenager they "can't watch that because it has sex in it" or they "can't listen to that because it talks about sex" that sends a message to the teenager that my parents think sex is bad and that its not ok to talk about sex. Those are not the messages you want to be sending your teenager if you want to become their source of sexual or intimate information. They will go looking for someone or something that is willing and ready to talk about their questions and even concerns.


If parents would simply say "we don't watch that because some the way that it depicts sex". This would send the message that sex is good and media is degrading sex. Studies show that more important than not watching it, is recognizing the degradation of sex.   There are so many opportunities to have conversations about this: Listen to the words of the songs when in the car with teens, you could even let them play their music on car rides to give the opportunity to evaluate what they are listening to.


When creating boundaries about media with your children outlaw things for the way they depict sex, not because they have sex in it. 


2. Bring up the conversation more often.

Your silence on this subject is again telling your child that this subject is not something to talk about, or secret.


"Today's kids don't need just one sex talk, they need hundreds."

Jonathan Mckee, More Than Just The Talk: Becoming Your Kids Go-to Person About Sex.


Your kids are being taught about sex hundreds of times a day. It is bombarding your kids at school, through social media, and is constantly on their minds. If you aren't talking with them about it, they are formulating ideas without your guidance. 3. Talk less, listen more.


Just because you should be bringing these conversations up, doesn't mean you should be doing the talking. Without you saying anything your teen is thinking about what you would say. Just listen to their opinion about the messages they are seeing and hearing in the media or among peers about sex. There might be times when your teen will ask what you think, these are your teaching moments. These are the moments where your teen is actually listening. In these moments you get to teach your view of sex to your teen. As they listen to your view they shape their own view.


The more you can get your teen to work out their view of sexuality with you there, the better. When they are ready to listen, you will notice them start to ask questions. This is a good sign that you are becoming your teens source of sexual information. Parents express their fear of over exposing their child and peaking their curiosity. This fear keeps many parents from talking about sex. Studies have shown that over exposing your child will actually send the message that you know more than their friends. Don't be afraid of over exposure. 

You Can Do It!


Teenagers are more receptive when sex is talked as a healthy, connection based thing that should be looked forward to and never devalued and they end up having this view themselves. When this is the case, seeing things like porn makes them realize how degrading it is to their view of healthy sex. They see things for what they really are and the appeal of pornography goes away. They see people as humans to be connected with, not objects to be used. 

Talk consistently about the way media is depicting sex to send the message that sex is good but not depicted in an unrealistic way. The first conversation can be hard, but they will get easier and easier. Keep finding opportunities to bring up conversation about healthy sex. Talk less, listen more. Your child is working out their view of sex, be there.

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